Always Bring a Banana to a Party
by exterminatecake
Summary: What goes on in Ciel Phantomhive's day-to-day life. Ongoing series of seemingly unconnected oneshots. Total crack!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: In which there is Catnip Tequila**

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><p><strong>AN: Teehee... I'm so evil...<strong>

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><p>Ciel softly padded down the hallway, not wishing to wake Sebastian. The young boy was having a rare moment of charity, and so decided to get a drink by himself.<p>

_Come to think of it, do demons sleep?_ Ciel thought to himself, tiptoeing to the cupboard which he knew held the cups.

He picked a bottle from a cabinet at random and read the label. _Catnip tequila?_

The boy shrugged and poured himself a cup.

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><p>Sebastian snapped out of his thoughts as he heard a loud <em>crash!<em> from downstairs.

"Bocchan!"

He dashed downstairs, assuming the worst—kidnapping, assassination, every single horrible thing he could think of. After all, it was nearly one AM, why else would his young master be up?

What actually awaited him was far worse.

"S-Sebastian…"

The blue-haired boy was giggling, half-buried under a pile of fallen books.

He was also naked.

"Sebastian!"

The butler stood to attention promptly. "Yes, bocchan?"

Ciel giggled again. "I'm a banana!"

Sebastian blinked. "What was that, bocchan?"

"I'm a banana!"

"What happened to your cloth-"

"I'm a _banana_!"

The butler bent down and detected the obvious scent of alcohol on his young master's breath. The boy's speech was also slurring, and Sebastian saw that he was more uncoordinated than normal.

While Sebastian was making these assessments, Ciel had managed to crawl out of the pile of books. He was at that moment giggling and flexing his fingers back and forth, his face twisted into an expression of utmost fascination.

"It is time to go back to bed, bocchan."

"Okay, Sebby-chan!" Ciel giggled and began dancing down the hall towards his room, still naked. "I'm a banana! I'm a banana! I'm a banana! Lookit me move!"

As Sebastian started down the hall, he noticed the servants peeking out from around the corner; Mey-Rin already half-dead from loss of blood through the nose.

"I would appreciate it if this was never to be spoken of again," the head butler told them, eyes flashing dangerously.

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><p><strong>AN: I forget who the DeviantArtist who made catnip tequila up is, but thank you, whoever you are! <strong>

**Reviews are my food. You shall get no delicious crack if I starve. What would the logical thing to do be?**

**Next Chapter: "Are those lady's underpants, Bocchan?" "S-Sebastian!" "Ooh..."**


	2. Chapter 2

**In which Ciel is Indecent**

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><p><strong>AN: Oh, my! I log in and what do I see? Four shiny new reviews, all full of lovely praise! I literally giggled and bounced in my seat when I saw those. Oh good readers, you have enticed me to update two days in a row, which does not happen very often.<strong>

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><p>"No."<p>

"It is for your own good, bocchan."

"No."

"Just for a few minutes?"

"I said no."

"I'll do whatever you want afterwards."

"You have to anyway. No."

Sebastian sighed and massaged his temples. "You do realize that bathing is necessary to present a good appearance to the world, correct?"

Ciel stared at him blankly. "Yes, I do. I simply do not wish for a bath today."

"Then will I have to force you, bocchan?"

"S-Sebastian!" The young boy glared at the demon with such force that Sebastian shrank away slightly. "Don't you dare!"

Sebastian stayed still for a second, then tried to pounce on the boy to drag him over to the bathtub. With the slippery cunning of the young, Ciel ducked under his butler's arm and ran down the hallway.

Sebastian managed to catch hold of the seat of his master's pants as he passed by, but the boy kept going. There was a small _rip_ and then Ciel was running down the hallway in nothing but his underthings and a shirt.

"Wait! No, stop-Bocchan, you're indecent! Come back!"

The young boy finally skidded to a stop, his face slightly red. Sebastian stared at him for a second. "Are those ladies undergarments, bocchan?"

Ciel's face was a very interesting shade of bright red by now. "You shall never speak to anyone about this again, do you understand me?"

The demon smirked. "Yes, my lord." _Just another thing to add to my giant list of ways to blackmail you…_

Ciel then stalked off haughtily, sniffing disdainfully. "I shall call you when I am ready for my bath."

"So you are taking a bath after all?"

"Shut up."

Sebastian smiled to himself smugly.

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><p>Around the corner, Mey-Rin was looking dangerous. Or, well, as dangerous as she can look. Which isn't very dangerous. <em>Those… were my undergarments. He will pay. Although… he did look so adorable in them… ooh.<em>

Finny put a timid hand on her shoulder. "Are you OK?"

She then realized that she was getting another nosebleed. She tittered. "Oh, yes! Just fine."

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><p><strong>AN: Feed me... I hunger. Also, to those cosplayers who made the "Bocchan, you're indecent!" video... Let me hug you. And steal your Grell costume. Please.<strong>

**Next chapter: "Grell, please remove your shirt." "What a lovely chest." "Ooh, Sebas-chan!"**


	3. Chapter 3

**In which Sebastian Orders Grell to Take Off His Shirt**

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><p><strong>AN: Hello, me lurvelies. How are you liking my misleadingly perverted previews?<strong>

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><p>Ciel's pen scratched across the paper. His brow furrowed in concentration. The boy finally tossed the pen down and let out a loud sigh, shaking out his cramped hand. He stared longingly at the bright sun pouring in through the window. It was such a nice day… perhaps just a small walk would not hurt anything?<p>

The boy turned around to get out of his chair, only to come face-to-face with a grinning Undertaker.

"Wha-you-how did you get in here?"

"I walked."

Ciel blinked as he realized something. "What are you doing out of your shop in broad daylight?"

The older man's face suddenly took on a countenance of the deepest sorrow, so sorrowful that Ciel thought something horrible must have happened—did the city close down his business? Did people suddenly stop dying? "What is it?"

"Grell… she… sh-she…"

Ciel was by now extremely alarmed. "What did that idiot do?"

"She stole my favorite shirt!" The Undertaker began bawling, rocking back and forth slightly.

The boy fought to keep a straight face, doing his best to keep in both his irritation and hilarity. "Grell stole your shirt."

"Uh-huh!"

"And that's why you're crying."

"Yes!"

"Really."

"I just miss Maurice so much…"

"Who is Maurice?" Ciel asked curiously.

"Th-that's what I named him."

Ciel thought for a second, then almost facepalmed. "You named your shirt Maurice."

The Undertaker sniffled. "Y-yes…"

"Sebastian!"

The butler was at his master's side in almost an instant. "Yes, my lord?"

"Please bring Grell Sutcliff here immediately."

"Yes, my lord."

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><p>Three hours later, a very battered Grell was deposited on the desk by an unruffled Sebastian.<p>

"Will that be all?"

Ciel tapped his fingers on the desk thoughtfully. "Hmm… please stay with us for a while. It may try to escape."

The butler bowed slightly. "Yes, my lord."

"I-is this any way to treat a lady?" Grell asked from his position on the desk.

"Shut up," Ciel barked.

"This might be my shirt… I am not sure. He has a little nametag on the inside, left of the buttons. I-it says M-Maurice…" The grey-haired man briefly broke into sobs again.

"Grell, please remove your shirt," Sebastian stated.

"Ooh, Sebas-chan-"

"Do not get the wrong idea. I merely wish to ascertain the identity of this shirt."

Grell pouted and removed his shirt and coat. The Undertaker nearly jumped for joy when he saw "Maurice" embroidered on the inside, just as he had claimed. Then he actually did jump up, showing what he had been sitting on the entire time.

"What a nice chest," Ciel observed. "Very ornate."

"It's Maurice's house!" the older man giggled.

Everyone quickly hid their faces, trying not to laugh. Except for Grell, who simply clapped and squealed, trying to see the shirt in its "house."

Ciel sighed and massaged his temples. "Sebastian, please escort the Undertaker to his shop and deposit Grell somewhere that is not here."

"Yes, my lord."

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><p><strong>AN: And that's another chapter, all done. Next chapter, we might start having a *gasp* PLOT! Dun dun dunnn...<strong>

**Next Chapter: "Now bend over." "Sebastian?" "Just do it, bocchan."**


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